Maria Susana, Elemental Queen of Someplace
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: She is a girl, lost in NYC. What are these strange powers she has. Can she find true love. Raphael/OC.
1. Chapter 1

_Was in the mood for some parody. I should be reading about legal research. But making fun of our friend Mary Sue is so much more fun._

It was a dark and stormy night and Maria Susana walked the darkened streets of New York City. She had recently been orphaned and now she wandered the streets aimlessly. She was destitute. She had no money. She had no idea where her next meal would come from. She was wearing a light blue mini skirt, brown stilettos, a pink tank top that showed off her perfectly shaped shoulders, and silver bangles. Her silky auburn hair fluttered in the humid night air.

She was headed back to the home she had made in an abandoned building. She had no belongings. Nothing in the world. Only her curling iron and complete summer wardrobe. She was quickly running out of eye liner and wondered if she should get a job.

But what kind of job could she get? A person like her? Hated by everyone just because she was different. Maria Susana was an elemental. She could summon the wind. Actually, she could only conjure the wind when she was angry. And she was angry a lot. So most people didn't like to be around her. Just because she was pretty and tended to blow people out of windows when she lost board games.

Her heels clicked on the pavement as she looked hungrily inside one of the storefront windows. She's been living off the food she'd been stealing out of dumpsters behind six star restaurants. They were so good that another category had recently been invented for them. Rich people were notoriously wasteful and she would not have considered eating anything with transfats, like fast food. Even if it was free. She needed to keep her figure.

But then her pulse raced as she noticed footsteps behind her. Footsteps on a New York street could only mean one thing. Gang rape! No honorable citizen walked the streets past 8pm in this city.

So she did the only reasonable thing. She ducked into a dark alley, hoping that he might be afraid of the dark and wouldn't follow her. She briefly considered ducking into a brightly lit and busy store, but one glance at the rapists following her told her that she wouldn't want to be caught dead with them in public.

Luckily for her, she also happened to be a trained ninja. She attacked one of the rapists with an impressive display of ninjitsu. She had been raised in Spain by the elderly Lord Caterwaul, the last of the line of Shaolin monks estranged from their native lands. They took refuge in Madrid, disguised as organ grinders and trained young orphans in Shaolin, conveniently forgetting that Shaolin and ninjitsu are not the same thing. You fight with your hands and your feet, so that makes you a ninja, in the tradition of the New World Shaolin.

Maria Susana was overwhelmed by horny rapists and one of them knocked her over the head with a trash can lid.

Even though the heroine was unconscious and the preceding paragraphs were written in third person close and so the story should have transitioned to the point when she woke up, Raphael Hamato jumped off of the neighboring building. He was accompanied by his brothers, who weren't the main love interests in this story, so they only stood in the background and watched.

Raphael kicked some of them and stabbed a few with his sais and looked very cool and manly. Then the rest of the rapists ran away. Donatello ran to Maria Susana's side. He checked her pulse as she lay on the pavement, looking quite good for somebody who was just in a ninja fight with a bunch of rapists and then knocked out.

As Raph looked upon Maria Susana's beautiful and lifeless form, he felt stirrings inside himself that he had never felt before. "I'm never eating Mexican food again," he said to Leo as he rubbed his upset stomach.

"Is she okay?" Mikey said, as he stood there looking cute and thinking up a lame joke. That was all he was capable of doing and so he made sure to do it a lot.

"I'm not sure," Don said. "Even though I have extensive medical knowledge and I could probably be board certified as a surgeon in the state of New York and I know how to do practically everything, I won't be able to tell until I get her back to the lab. I'd call an ambulance, but what if she doesn't have health insurance?"

Leo sheathed his katana, looking heroic. He liked to do that when he thought that the emphasis had been drawn too far away from him. "We need to get her to the lair."

Raphael picked her up in a bridal carry. He felt the foreshadowing in that sentence and threw her to the ground.

"What did you just do?" Leonardo said. "I'll carry her."

But Raphael felt that it was his right alone to have his three fingered hands on her delicate body. He found her strangely attractive for a mammal with incompatible DNA and differing chromosomes. Raph picked her up again and carried her to the nearest manhole.

Mikey followed him, batting his eyes. He was incapable of thinking of a joke so stupid that it needed to be mentioned. "Let's get some pizza," he said, realizing that he hadn't mentioned it for at least five minutes.

"My clothes," Maria Susana muttered in her sleep. Then she realized that she was conscious enough for the point of view to return to her and she decided to make a few observations before she passed out again. She was being carried in a pair of green, masculine arms. He smelled like motor oil and cheap barbecue potato chips.

"Don't worry," said a deep Brooklyn accent. "We'll get you patched up."

She would have carried on longer about his sexy accent, scars, smell or some other attribute, but thankfully she passed out again.


	2. Chapter 2

_So don't be offended if you've used one of these devises in a story. I suppose they can all work well at some point or other. Just not all at once and with such idiot handling as I've given them._

RAPH'S POV

Maria was hot for a human. He hoped that Master Splinter would let them keep her. She would be a good replacement for Klunk. He'd died in that tragic toaster electrocution accident.

MARIA'S POV

Her rescuer was hot for a turtle. He had big, strong masculine arms and the way his beak twitched when he was anxious. Yummy. But where was she? Where was he taking her? Why did it smell like a toilet in here? Why didn't she open her eyes and find out?

She was in the sewer. She was elated. She'd lived and trained in a sewer back in Madrid when she lived with Lord Caterwaul. He was afraid of statues and so the only choice was to live underground. She knew she would be perfectly at home here.

MIKEY'S POV

Pizza good.

DON'S POV

Why are you looking at me? I have nothing to add right now.

LEO'S POV

How could this happen? The first romantically eligible female we meet and she's in love with Raph. She should be in love with me. I'm ten times more handsome and mysterious and noble. I need to get laid so badly! Focus… Stay calm…

NORMAL POV – BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT 3RD PERSON IS

After Raph laid Maria Susana delicately on the couch, Leo went to fetch Splinter. He needed something to do to block out the incessant thoughts of sex. He then set to his daily six hour kata routine to burn off the excess energy.

Splinter saw the girl and said, "I dreamed that this day would come. My master told me that a chosen one was destined to find their way to us. This chosen one would have the powers to complete our family and make us invincible. She will need to be trained… Leonardo…"

"Nah," Raph said. "Leo's too busy not getting laid to train her. I'll do it. And I'll even volunteer my room for her to sleep in." He was suddenly all blushy like a teenage girl at the prom. "Not that it means anything special. I just think it would be better for your training if we shared a bed."

"You are now my daughter," Splinter said. "I have only known you for five minutes, but I feel as though I have known you for many years. Your spirit is…"

Nobody wanted to hear a wise and inspiration speech from Splinter, so they all ignored him and had dinner. Mikey made a pizza with barkworms and jellybeans as topping. Then he did something stupid and they all laughed.

"We'll now test the 'chosen one'," Leo said, with a teasing tone in his voice because none of them would ever express real doubt in her abilities.

So they went into the dojo and Maria Susana fought Leo.

"WIND!" she cried as she summoned wind to knock Leo off his feet because the writer was totally incapable of writing any kind of action.

"Wow, you kicked Leo's ass!" Raph said, immediately glowing with lust for her.

"Well, time for bed," Leo said, even though it was only five in the afternoon. He shook her hand happily, even though she had just proved his lifetime's work to have been useless because she had knocked him out with one hit.

Don realized that he had forgotten to treat Maria Susana's life threatening wounds and she instantly collapsed. Raph bore her to the infirmary where he hovered nervously, growling in a feral way whenever Don got close to her. It made her treatment rather difficult. Don put a few bandages on her already healed wounds and said that she needed to sleep there.

"That can't happen. We were going to share a room."

So Don relented and she followed Raph to his bedroom. It was empty except for his bed and a punching bag. And there was a motorcycle magazine on the floor. He had no interests besides violence and motorcycles.

"So, I'll sleep on the floor," he said, staring at the cold hard ground.

"Oh, no. We can share," she said. "As long as you keep your hands to yourself."

He giggled like a school girl and then decided to make up for this lack of masculinity with a well timed rage. "DON'T ORDER ME AROUND, WOMAN! I BROUGHT YOU HERE AND YOU'RE GOING TO ENDANGER MY FAMILY WITH YOUR SUPER POWERS AND BRILLIANTLY COLORED EYES!"

Then he climbed into bed and they snuggled under the blankets.

In the morning, Maria Susana awoke to find herself in Raph's arms. But she was filled with a passionate hate for him, since no romantic relationship with Raph can begin without a hateful shouting match to demonstrate their passionate feelings for each other, which are initially mistaken for distaste.

So she punched him awake.

She decided that she had better criticize his fighting skills and told him that if he was ever in danger that she'd have to save his behind with her elemental powers and that she thought he was nothing but a big girl.

Raph was turned on by this abuse because he has no self-esteem or sense of self preservation. All he could manage to say was an eye rolling, "Whateva."

She told him that he was frustrating and she hated him and that he was probably a coward and she could take care of herself.

He grabbed her passionately by the shoulders and he cried sensitively for the first time in his life and he told her that he was so crazy around her because the thought of something bad happening to her made him angry and afraid and irrational. Because he is such a calm and rational creature otherwise.

Then they realized that their antagonistic feelings really meant that they were in love and they formally announced themselves as a couple. They rubbed noses and then she picked on him and he chased her playfully around the lair while everybody else said, "Aww."

"Now I truly have a daughter," Splinter said affectionately, not caring that Raph's new girlfriend would probably spin his hormonal head so much that he would endanger the family to protect her.

"I thought I was your daughter," Don said jealously.

So they were all happy. Well Raph and Maria were happy. Then Maria said, "We should go get my stuff. I haven't changed in six hours. I feel like I'm going to die. We'd better go topside so I can get myself into some peril and you can demonstrate your reckless love for me and rescue me."

So Raph and Maria Susanna went topside, never dreaming of what they would find.


	3. Chapter 3

_Sorry about bashing the accent typing thing, but I do think some go overboard with it. It's hard for me to do, so I just leave it to the imagination. If you can do it, then congratulations._

Raph looked deeply into Maria Susana's eyes. They were all the colors of the rainbow and shone with an iridescent glow that sparkled in the moonlight. He wasn't looking where he was going and crashed face first into a trash can.

Maria hadn't noticed. She only noticed Raph when he was doing something angsty, sensitive or sexy and otherwise ignored his presence.

While they were prowling towards the abandoned building that held Maria's twelve trunks of clothes… Raph prowled expertly through the shadows. Maria strutted in the full light of the street lamps, making sure that she was seen. She didn't look this good for nothing.

Suddenly, they were set upon by dozens of foot ninjas. Maria jumped into action, impaling a ninja with her stiletto heel and showing just enough remarkable Madrid Shaolin Ninja skills to make Raph stop and stare and say, "That girl's good." He had the time to stand there marveling at her, filled with lust, while the ninjas attacked her. It hadn't occurred to him that he should fight and not just stand there ogling her at the moment.

That gave Maria the ego boost she needed to make her feel like a paragon of beauty, capability and perfection, but now she felt like she wanted to be the damsel in distress and so a burly foot ninja kicked her in the face and she fell on her back, totally vulnerable and overwhelmed with ninjas.

Raph was either fighting or not fighting. It wasn't really important. He let out a roar of arousing rage and cut through about ten ninjas with one swipe in his ferocious attempt to rescue her as she lay there on the ground, whimpering.

He bested all the ninjas in about five minutes and helped her to her feet. She wasn't hurt because it would be inconvenient to the next plot point. Only scratched a little. But not in a way that would leave any visible scarring and ruin her looks.

"Are ya okay?" he said, feeling her body for wounds because apparently he couldn't use his eyes or ask.

"I'm okay, I think. Thank you for helping me. I was really in a bind." It would have made her look too incompetent to just 'fess up and say she laid there and waited for them to kill her.

Raph took her in his green muscular arms and said, "I can' lose ya! Don' do anythin' like that again!" He used his Brooklyn accent because it was cool and not at all hard to read on the page all written out with apostrophes all over the place.

Then Raph delicately kissed her and felt her up in a vaguely suggestive way.

After Raph's moment of sensitivity, they proceeded to the abandoned warehouse. Her clothes were gone! All the trunks were open. "Now we know what the foot was afta," Raph said, picking up a lone thong that lay on the floor and secreting it into his belt.

"My clothes! Curse you, Shredder!" she cried as she fell to her knees. "I will have revenge! For Christian Dior! For Valentino! For Steve McQueen!"

"I'll kill 'im myself!" Raph growled. Maria thought he was remarkably attractive when he considered homicide.

"No! You can't! I can't let you kill because of me." She had already forgotten that he'd killed about forty foot ninjas five minutes previously. "We'll call my sisters from Madrid. My master Lord Caterwaul trained four of us in the sewers. Their names are Macy, Tasha and Carly. Those are my favorite names in the whole world and so they also happen to be my sister's names. Isn't that ironic?"

Raph thought it wasn't as interesting as the potential to kill the Shredder again on his beloved's behalf. Maria pulled out a charm bracelet and did a summoning spell.

MADRID – MACY'S POV

It is so hard being the oldest and the leader of my sisters. Some say that I'm too serious for my own good and jokingly call me "perfect." She had the power of water. Maria's power had suddenly changed to fire because it complemented Raph's personality better. Macy had long black hair and wore preppy skirts and had very nice legs. Her eyes were as blue as the sky.

MADRID – TASHA'S POV

I'm considered the brains of the family. I spend lots of time tinkering with machines and I know every fact ever to be recorded and some things that weren't. Tasha's element was earth. Tasha had curly blond hair and that air of the beauty queen who wears horn-rimmed glasses and so she's considered an ugly nerd. She had soft violet eyes.

MADRID – CARLY'S POV

I'm really annoying and immature and eat pizza a lot. I like picking on people and being the comic relief. Carly's element was wind. Carly had short red hair and wore really crazy outfits. Like white after Labor Day crazy. She had golden eyes.

MADRID – NOBODY'S POV, IGNORING THE PHILOSOPHICAL IMPLICATIONS OF THAT ASSERTION

The three girls sat in the dojo with Lord Caterwaul. He said to them, "I fear that your sister Maria Susana is in danger. Her sacred wardrobe has been stolen."

Macy considered this seriously. "I wonder how Maria Susana's getting along in the new world," she said, forgetting that Spanish people speak Spanish primarily. "You know what a hothead she is."

Carly said, "Maybe her head exploded."

Tasha rolled her eyes. "You're so immature. I think she's fine. I'm going to go work on that nuclear reactor that I'm building."

Suddenly, there was lots of bright light and they were all swept into a vortex and landed in the warehouse at Maria Susana's feet. Macy landed accidentally across Raph, knocking him on his back/ shell.

She pushed him away and got to her feet, pulling her twin katanas. "Who are you? Why are you with my sister! What did you do with the sacred wardrobe!"

Maria was jealous that she dared to teleport on her man and threw a fireball at Macy. She easily deflected it with a water ball. Raph stared at them, undecided now as to who he should be lusting after.

Carly looked Raph over and said, "Wow, you're green like Kermit the Frog."

Tasha used her large brain to conclude, "He's a turtle."

They had a long and boring conversation and Raph demanded that they go back to the lair because he hadn't been overtly assertive for the whole story yet and he couldn't listen to them talking about the latest trends in shoes any longer without impaling himself on his own sais. "We need to find out what do with you guys." Leaving them there was "something," but not a "something" he wanted to do. He hadn't gotten laid yet in this story.

So they all followed Raph to the lair.


	4. Chapter 4

_I only saw a clip of the Walker, Texas Ranger fight so I don't know what happened in the episode. Just making stuff up._

THE PAST - THE LEGEND OF LORD CATERWAUL

Lord Caterwaul sat alone in his underground dojo, missing his four daughters. He had nothing else. Nothing but a monkey wearing a fez and a street organ. His phobia of statues prevented him from earning a living organ grinding though. He first encountered that legendary enemy that caused his fear of statues as a child. He'd taken a trip to Disney land as a child and one of those people who pretend to be statues had given him a wedgie when he wasn't looking. But he had done what he could for his daughters. He had found them as orphans on the streets of Madrid and taken them down into the sewers to teach them the ancient arts of Shaolin and organ grinding.

But now they were gone. It was only him and Mr. Snickers.

His name had not always been Lord Caterwaul. He was a disgrace. He had failed twice and now he was trying to reclaim his former glory through his children, like a child beauty pageant mother.

He was born Master Tatsu. Master was his first name, Tatsu his last. He had been Oroku Saki's general until he was wish-boned crunched in a nightclub by those four monstrosities that had robbed him of honor in front of his master and the world. And then Shredder had fired him. Cut off his dental plan and everything and he had needed a crown very badly.

So Master Tatsu fled to Texas and set up his own martial arts studio under an assumed name and eventually became an enemy of the most legendary character in all of martial arts. Chuck Norris. He and Norris fought in Tatsu's studio and Tatsu was again disgraced and this time in front of all his students. It had taken him long enough to gain their respect and it was gone with one cowboy kick to the head. But that was not the end of it.

He later challenged Norris to a fight to the death, but he didn't show up because his episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" was over and his contract didn't include a fight to the death.

He changed his name again to a name he had fashioned that would frighten anyone who came within hearing distance. Lord Caterwaul. He wanted to use Lord Voldemort, but he'd heard that it was already taken by some other bad guy. He fled to Spain and joined the Order of Old World Shaolin.

But he needed to find his daughters. He packed up his street organ, monkey and a few other things and boarded a fishing boat that would take him to New York City, the scene of his first disgrace.

The three girls were thrilled to meet the turtles. They had never seen any men besides Lord Caterwaul and the four turtles were a great improvement over him, but that wasn't very hard considering what Lord Caterwaul looked like.

Leo nearly trampled Mikey as he pushed himself to the front and bowed at the girls. "I am Leonardo and the oldest of my brothers and also the oldest. I would like to welcome you to your new home." Then he remembered that he was supposed to be averse to outsiders and crossed his arms and said, "I can see that you three are unusually attractive females and seem to have an interest in us and I'm very sexually repressed, but I must do my duty as a ninja and the oldest of my brothers and protect them from happiness at all costs. So you'll have to leave. Except Maria Susana. She's the chosen one after all."

They weren't sure what she was chosen for, but it didn't really matter.

Macy pushed her sisters aside and said, "Well, I am the leader of my sisters and I say that it's too dangerous here."

Carly said, "I need some pizza like ASAP or my brain will fall out."

Mikey sighed. He never thought the day would come. He'd finally met an individual more obnoxious than himself. "Hey, dudette, we have some pizza." So he lit some candles and they had a romantic dinner and told each other suggestive knock-knock jokes by candlelight.

Don was afraid of girls. Either that or he was gay. He wasn't quite sure. He hid in the lab and watched them through a crack in the door. Raph had made it with his sai during one of his attempts on Leo's life.

Leo and Macy stared each other down.

Just as Leo and Macy were about to have a quadruple katana showdown, there was a knock at the door and in walked Lord Caterwaul. "I have come through the waters of the Atlantic and passed the many dangers there! I survived the kraken, Charybdis and the New York Coast Guard and now I have arrived! And it only took three hours."

Leo cried, "Tatsu! So we meet again!"

Then he killed him. Macy held Lord Caterwaul in her arms as he died. He removed his matador's jacket and spurs and handed them to Macy. "This is the symbol of our clan. Avenge me, daughter! But beware of the old enemy of our clan. You must kill these turtles and the other enemy I just spoke of, resume the organ grinding business and recover the sacred clothes. Oh, and you must fetch Mr. Snickers and the street organ from the cargo locker by 6pm or pay an extra fee." And then he died.

Macy then put on the matador's jacket and fixed to spurs to her espadrilles. Then she stared at Leo, with hate burning in her eyes. But she had to admit to herself, he certainly did look yummy, standing there all lean and intense and with his katanas dripping with her father's blood.

"I swear vengeance upon you, what's-your-name!" she said, pointing at Leo with her katana. "You will pay for killing my father!"

And then they made out madly, muttering about vengeance and honor killing when they came up for air.


End file.
